i am concerned.
i have noticed today, alarmingly...
something was different... and i realized that i am not as silly as i used to be.
like i forgot how to be silly.
and that scares me.  maybe i am having a bad day.
but my silliness factor scale has dropped...
i also haven't been laughing as much as i used to.
i don't know what this means.  but i want my silliness back again in my life.. and belly aching laughter.

i know that i am in need of a major update.
there has just been so much that has been thrown at me in such a short amount of time.
what a semester, what a year!
i thought i had this whole year figured out.  but God had other plans, He had plans that would make me cringe and weep and question.

the beginning of the semester i had experienced the whole thing my aunt passing away.  i actually wrote a long blog entry about it... but that will be posted later.
i was in the pre-grieving stages over my aunt and just everything that has been going on with my family.
i missed two weeks of school ( which i would never regret, because i was with my family).  the crucial class adult health which is a whopping seven credits loomed over me.  this is the basic fundamentals of adult care, which is the primary care that most nurses do go into.  and i didn't start that class with the greatest start, i wasn't prepared for the amount of the work that class was going to be... until i took the second test.... worse than the first.  even though i spent more time on that second one studying....my prof suggested i drop and take it in the fall.
WHATTT???  that is the last thing i need, i can't believe this is happening.....

that really was what triggered everything... of my crying nooo.. actually sobbing fits.  of my questioning God, of my spasms of cries.  Why am i getting hit again.??  i didn't understand it at that time, and i thought i was entitled for me to really get in God's face and be angry and disappointed.  that was on a monday... and i cried to my mommy about it.
tuesday my friends all encouraged me to stick it out with the class... i can still pass with a C.  but that was not what i wanted.  i wanted to know the material and really do well in it, not just barely pass.  i mean this is a really important class... and that was the last day i could drop without any penalty...
so what do i do... i calmed down. and went to the hospital chapel to pray. 
God comes at the oddest times.. in that little chapel... that was incredibly unitarian.... (asked God for plenty of clarity and discernment)... and i prayed......
And that song came to mind.... "i surrender all...i surrender all.. all to Jesus my precious Savior.. i surrender all...."  over and over again out of nowhere. 
and God said..."i require you to surrender... and you never really surrendered to me, surrender everything to me...graduation and finishing school in May 2009 was your timeline.  But i have my own timeline for you...have peace child.. and just surrender.  see what i can do with you in that extra semester... surrender."

so i did, after that time i went straight to school and dropped.  i was okay until the evening time, when i just felt so sad.  i think that this event just triggered all these emotions i have been feeling within me about my yimo, my family being far away, school, everything i never really let out.  and i began to SOB... literally convulse for about 2 hours straight.  i could NOT stop, the tears just flowed.  i wasn't even praying or worshipping God. 
even then God was working in me.. breaking down my pride, humbling me.... and making me feel so stripped. i had to call my parents again.. who were probably really tired of hearing me sobbing.  but how supportive they were of me... sometimes i feel like i am more high strung than my parents... who encouraged me and said It's not the end of the world... you're okay girl.. we love you and support you...
thank God for parents like that....
of coarse that made me cry even more...
and then it just stopped... the tears stopped, i was quiet, and peace just entered my heart.
i could feel my body and my heart relax.  i didn't realize how tense i was the past couple of weeks.
then i was just okay, i was fine.
this was the best decision... and i just feel like a load has been lifted off my shoulders...

so this is what has been happening to me this week... a really strange week.  a week of learning, a week of surrendering, a week of lots of crying, a week of God's faithfulness...
He is not a boring God ( he really just kind of throws things at you in an unexpected way) and HE knows what He wants to do with your life....i can not wait to see the BIGGER and GRANDER picture ahead of me...
i can't wait for that time, when i say, "ahhhh i see, good thing i graduated a semester later.  i knew God knew what he was doing..."
so guys key word for today...SURRENDER.

have a wonderful rest of the week.